Log in

Captain's Log, 1.12.2013 (Depression)


Today's different. Today's post is one of those posts I'll read in the future and think "Why did I post this?". I guess it's one of those days. Or periods. Who knows.

I'm having a huge internal debate about whether I should really share this or not, but since I dedicate most of my time to the internet, I guess it's only appropriate to share this with the internet. I feel like we're friends.

I'm depressed. Have been for years. I also know that there are many depressed people who have it a whole lot worse than me, and I know that I'm only barely 18, and I'll wake up from this nightmare one day, or at least that's what I'm hoping for. If you're a depressed human and you're reading this, this will probably not cheer you up much, 'cause I'm going through the same thing that you're going through, it's not over for me yet, so I can't be all "yeah yeah don't worry, it'll be fine".

Sometimes the most social, most friendly people end up alone. School is weird. I find myself talking to people I would always wish to talk to, but if it wasn't for the fact that we HAVE to see each other every day, they would probably not even stand close to me. I'm addicted to communication, which, unintentionally turns me into an "attention whore". I feel like I NEED to have people around me, but when I do have people around me, I'm the most awkward thing in the world. Well, in my world.

Depression is such a selfish thing, too. I am depressed, I am sad, I need help, I, and I, and I. I hate it.

Well, these are my thoughts as of right now. By the way, these really are unfiltered, un"edited" thoughts. Please don't take them seriously. All right.

Captain's Log, 1.4.2013

Friday, January 4, 2013, 8:40pm

Today is a special day. One year ago, on January 4, 2012, I started doing gameplay commentary on youtube. The first video was of me playing Minecraft, which I still play and love. Since then, I played more different games, and even closed the channel (kinda). I feel bad about freezing that channel up. I love doing gameplay commentary, and the reason why I stopped is because I had problems with my recording software, and eventually couldn't record anymore, and also, of course, I didn't have enough time to do this. It takes about 30 minutes to record a day's worth of episodes, but for some reason, those 30 minutes are very hard for me to find in a day.

In other news, or not very "other" news, I'm finding myself neglecting my vlogging channel a bit AGAIN. I don't have anything to talk about, except how tired I always am. I would try to rely on my "weird news" schtick, but you can't ONLY talk about weird news in every vlog, so there, I'm saying it. I'm a horrible vlogger.

And, seriously, in other news, new year's. My mom made my favourite cake, along with a lot more food, but we didn't actually sit down and celebrate. I spent the period between 11pm of 2012 and 1am of 2013 watching Howard Stern on youtube, so I guess it was fun, but other than that, no celebration happened. At all.

Now that I'm done writing this, it feels a lot more depressing than I intended it to be, but whatever. Ba - (babooey) Bye!

Captain's Log, 12.25.2012

Tuesday, December 25, 2012, 7:25 pm.

Been a good day today. That was a rather grammatically incorrect sentence. I could've corrected it. Why do I always ruin positive moments? Gosh. Well, yeah, today was a great day.

I woke up at 7, just in time for business. By the way, I love saying "it's business time!", it reminds me of the Flight of the Conchords. They always make me laugh. I like ridiculous humor. I also like to skip between British and American ways of spelling words, it gives me a feeling of freedom.

I didn't have any coffee this morning, so I kept nodding off (seriously, you should have seen it) during literature, which was an 8:00 class. What is literature class good for, anyway? I said it to my friend later, that the novels and stories are interesting, but the analysis just beats all the life out of them.

Sat next to a friend of mine after literature. Had a good laugh. It happens every time I'm actually around other people, I change from a depressed loony dude into a laugh machine. Well, that's a bit much, but I do seem to enjoy myself a whole lot more. Maybe I should get more social, and not just on facebook and twitter. That's easier said than done, but anything's possible.

Anyway, I'll go now. Stay social, everybody.

Captain's Log, 12.21.2012

Friday, December 21, 2012, 6:15 pm.

I'll start with the easily obvious. The world didn't end today, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to end anytime soon. From what I read, the sun should really start messing with us in like, a billion years, so I'm not concerned for myself.

Started my day with some thunder at 6:30 in the morning today, but, since the thunder only lasted a second, I actually woke up with the help of my phone, which, as always, was screaming at me in the marimba language. It, seriously, never rests. Poor guy. Oh well...

Had some chemistry lab work to do in my 7:20 class. It was great though, it's the first I'd ever worked with a group of girls. Good times indeed.

Finished my school day at 12:30pm, which was the 1st time this year, since until now, I had biology labs until 2. Why am I writing this? For myself, I guess, to read this journal later on in life and think "Really? I used to complain about THIS? Lucky guy". Or maybe this IS the hardest period in my life, maybe I'm destined to an amazing, royal life, with robot servants and kittens on trampolines. It could be possible, you know, if I were Justin Bieber and the year was 2040.

By the way, to my future self, Justin Bieber was this "cool" singer. You know, pants around the knees and all that. Yeah. Was.

Okay, I've joked about the world ending, a luxurious life and Justin Bieber. I'm done here for now.

Captain's Log, 12.18.2012

Tuesday, December 18, 2012, 7:15 pm.

Today was a pretty decent day. It started out pretty horrible; me being tired and decaffeinated, as usual. Some would be happy to hear that I'm starting to lose my "everyday coffee" tradition, but trust me, I'm not happy about it. I don't sleep, and coffee is like an effective alarm clock for me, successfully waking me up every morning.

Anyhow, I had a test today in "Citizenship". As an Israeli citizen since my birth, I must say, I suck at this. I didn't quite study, which really isn't new, 'cause I don't study for most of the tests I take. However, despite all that, it went rather okay.

After the test I had a biology lab class, which is the reason I defined today "decent". It was good, positive, I laughed a bit, hung out with a great friend of mine, it was a good time.

So now, I'm listening to music and writing this. Since I'm out of things to write, I'll just keep listening to my music. Buh - bye :P

Captain's Log, 12.7.2012

Friday, December 7, 2012, 9:45 pm.

It's been a while. I haven't been feeling creative at all, so I didn't want to write anything. Years ago, when I was bad at vlogging, I mean, even worse than now (heehee), I would make vlogs every other day, just to make them, and every vlog was pretty much "Hey, I didn't do anything today, so... Yeah, what's up everyone? Good? Okay I'll see you tomorrow". Horrible, isn't it?

I also installed the LiveJournal app on my phone, and after looking at my posts on my phone, I realised that I do actually write quite a bit. But hey, this is a journal, a diary, it's my thoughts, as I think them, written down on a virtual piece of paper. It's not supposed to be short, or long, or anything, 'cause frankly, and I've said it before, this isn't really here for people to read. I mean, I don't mind people reading this, but it's just, well, thoughts. Brain poop, if you will.

Oh, and by the way, I do apologize for the word "poop". I'm trying to stop swearing, so, like anything else I'm unsure about, I'm taking it a bit too far, just to be safe. Poop.

Anyhow, what did I learn today? I'm still a bit of a child, which is good, and I'm weird, which, I didn't learn today, but today was just another day that proved it.

Oh, and, to the readers of this journal, if you are out there, happy holidays, stay safe and cool, but not too cool, 'cause you don't want to get sick, trust me ;)

Captain's Log, 11.28.2012

Wednesday, November 28, 2012, 8 pm.

I took the test today. It was okay, not much more than that.  I came to school at 8 in the morning, feeling rather decent, but then, of course, people started shouting, and I got a pretty strong headache, that lasted until... about 3 hours ago.

But I'm fine now. As I'm writing this, I'm drinking tea with mint leaves and honey. I made it myself. I'm quite proud of myself for making something so simple, yet so good.

I thought about vlogging today, but it's 8 in the evening and I still don't have anything to say to the camera, so I'll pass for today. Maybe Sunday. Maybe I'll have a Sunday/ Wednesday schedule, just like I do on my gaming channel.

It's been a while since I posted anything on the gaming channel. I'm having software problems, and, frankly, I'm broke. LOL.
(It's the first time I've written "LOL" in this journal, and I'm not quite sure of what it means)

So, that's all my brain has processed so far today, I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Captain's Log, 11.27.2012

Tuesday, November 27, 2012, 6:45 pm.

I broke the promise I made to myself. How terrible of me; I didn't go to school today. However, I did write a new song. I have this 'Show' on youtube called "BreakingKYC", and the intro to it is a little drum sample that Ray William Johnson originally came up with. I decided to take that sample, and create a whole song based on it. By "based on it" I mean, that it's the essential beat, and the entire song is laid down on it.

Chemistry test's tomorrow. Am I ready? Mentally, yes. I hope it goes well.

I have a feeling that my classmates hate me by now. If they don't, I feel like they should. Without intending to, really, I always come across as this douche who doesn't care about his studies, doesn't show up for class, and doesn't even "need" school. In a way, sure, I hate school as much as the next man, but, surprisingly to most people, I do care about it. A lot. It's just that I have a horrible immune system, that's all. (You still hate me, don't you?)

Anyhow, I should wrap this up. Tomorrow's another day.

Captain's Log, 11.26.2012

Monday, November 26, 2012, 5:45 pm.

It's been an okay day so far. I've been sick for 2 days, well, about 2 weeks. It's just that I decided to take a break from school for 2 days, and 5 days before that too. I intended to take care of myself, and I'll just say, I've been drinking hot tea and cocoa, getting good amounts of sleep, and making sure I'm not too bored and concentrated on being sick. For some reason, though, I'm still not feeling too hot, but I'll go back to school tomorrow, just because - how much MORE can I miss?

I've never really thought about writing a journal before, but now that I've started, it does actually seem like a pretty good idea. This isn't really meant for people to read, it's more of a thing I want to do for myself. However, if you are a person, and you're reading this, I'm sorry about my selfishness, it's just that... Well... I don't have an excuse. I'm selfish. Deal with it. (I love you)

I don't really have anything else on my mind right now, so, I'll get back to this tomorrow. Maybe.

Goodbye, person who's reading this. (I said that just 'cause I don't wanna say goodbye to myself. It's weird)